7 May 2017

You have to work to have progress. God doesn't just give out progress when we're weak. After we do what we can, Jesus provides grace, not before.

I didn't have a very good testimony of Jesus Christ or the Book of Mormon until I was 16. I knew Heavenly Father heard my prayers and the Holy Ghost spoke to me, but Jesus Christ didn't seem so conversational. I did not feel His love for me the same way, because I did not realize all the things He had done and all the things He had said were personally and individually for me, along with everyone.

When I was a sophomore in high school, the seminary topic was the New Testament. I remember thinking, "maybe I'll finally have a testimony of Jesus Christ this year." But that year I was beginning to experience major trials of mental illness and trouble with grades, and I chose to not read my scriptures as much. The end of that year, I did not have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ, but I did not figure out the reason why yet. It didn't matter as much to me.

My junior year, we studied the Book of Mormon, and I thought that this was the year that would help me feel that testimony of Jesus Christ, and a stronger testimony of the Book of Mormon. For the first few months, I didn't read then either. I was so confused why I wasn't getting this testimony. I had been taking the right class, and getting a good grade, but I was not really working. In the beginning of Junior year, I had been dating a boy that believed Joseph Smith was a fraud and I realized my passion for the Book of Mormon when I had fought for it, against the boy. I did not read as much as I should have because of my stress, again, but now, I felt something. I felt a testimony of Jesus Christ due to the hard things I handled in Junior year. I suffered a variety of trials and the suffering helped me to draw closer to Christ. Christ suffered to be closer to me, yet I felt closer to Christ when I suffered.

This pattern of things happens over and over for me. I take a Book of Mormon class at BYU and I don't do the work and I don't feel it as much. I get excited to sign up for things, but I am non-committal or distracted or over-stressed and I fall away from the goal.

I used to think about a mission this way. I thought about a proselyting mission and how much I wanted to sign up for one. I thought about all the good skills I would obtain from a mission. I thought about how good I would be at a mission. I find it easy to start conversations in various topics. I find it easy to learn and to immerse myself in a language. I find it easy to spend a lot of time with one person. I would find it easy to be with someone all day. I could easily keep a schedule with someone else doing the same exact things as me.  But God wanted me to work. He didn't want it to be easy. He gave me the mission that is incredibly difficult for me. I must be alone, almost always. I must work to maintain and to cultivate relationships to work well in teams with church employees and fellow missionaries. If I am having a problem with someone, I must sort it out instead of enduring the time till the next transfer. I have to build my own support system. I must create my own schedule and follow it myself. I must learn my languages everyday without a constant immersion.

God knows me so well. He knows which parts to me need to be stronger. He knows that I need to see a doctor often, yes. But He knows my weaknesses and He knows that the proselyting mission would not have strengthened those weaknesses. This mission tests the worst parts of me. Believe me, it is awful to rely on my own consistency and confidence when there is very little in me. Yet, somehow God makes this amazing.